“History repeats itself and holy shit I haven’t learned a fucking thing.” 🤦🏽‍♀️

Wholesome:

In order for me to be whole, I have to confront certain truths about myself. I have an ego and I’m prideful, and sometimes I have trouble hearing criticism because I don’t believe ppl actually know me. Who the fuck are you to tell me, about me? I don’t show myself to many ppl. I purposely don’t show you these flaws of mine. Because of fear. I fear that one day, you’ll look at my fears, insecurities and doubts, and label me “too much”.... This phase in my life..... It’s tew much. 

Some days I have the haughty confidence of a lion and I believe I can handle anything that comes my way. And I do. Then there are other days where things don’t add up and it seems that 2+2=Z. It’s those days where it all piles down on me, beating the shit out of me all at once. Those days where I want to throw in the towel, just crawl back into my Fortress of Solitude.... Never coming back out.

I got married and the trials intensified. I’m starting to think that God has some serious faith in me and Imma need Him to cut it out because CHILE. I’m tired. It feels as though I’ve lived for a year, when in fact it’s roughly the second half of the year. 

*rolls THEE FUCK outta my eyes* 

THAT’S IT!? What the entire FUCK.

How is it only August and who can I pay to fast forward time?

>>>>>>>>>> See.... My problem is perspective. If I change my perspective, it’ll change my life.... Right? 

We’re given tests, trials, and tribulations sometimes to form our character. You learn a lot about yourself when you’re going through it. I never sat down and studied myself. Always my own therapist, but never truly studied my habits and who I was. These tests.... all I wanted to do was run from them. They scared me shitless. But then it became a cycle and I found myself facing the same “type” of test/trail, and not learning shit. Reacted the same way.

Had I trained my mind to view these situations in a different light, I would have learned my lesson from the test AGES AGO.

Lately, as I get closer to God, the more I find I’m being trieddddddd honey. (Also one of the reasons why I literally refused to get closer to God many many years ago. I knew once you try, there’s a target on your back and the devil is deadasss out here trynna end your life. So I was “good on God” 😭 <- that’s a story for another blogpost and another day).

I take a step back and look at my current trials, and what do they have in common? I’ve seen these motherfuckers before. I’ve seen them, I’ve ran from them, I didn’t want to deal with them and ignored them until they got bigger than before, or silently went away, after screaming at me for months.

January - Marriage

February - 30th Birthday (They say after your 30’s, it’s downhill from here and after my 30th, that’s E X A C T L Y how I felt. My 30th was trash, but salvaged in March 😭. Thank you Rose, Mica and Lulu)

March - July = Quarantine, ‘Rona, Depression

August is for reset.

I’m pressing reset, reboot, restart, refresh, renewal.

I can’t move forward with the same mindset I’ve had because I literally will not move forward. And one of my biggest pet peeves is stagnancy/mediocrity. When I’m to blame, I hate it even more.

Here’s to a different perspective, mindset, and mood because I’m tired of the same shit.